I look back….

An essay as a 95 year old man looking back at life....

When I wake up in the morning and slowly make my way to the window and I see those innocent, cheerful minds at work in the playground, I feel that life has passed me by. Every step I take, every movement I make, every thought I think requires a great deal of effort nowadays. When I look at the sun form the window sill, bright and afresh everyday, I can’t but think that the sun in my life is slowly setting. I see these children play and I am reminded of my childhood...those cricket matches, mom’s dosas, the Goan beaches…


My childhood wasn’t full of roses but still it was a lot of fun. I was born to a
wonderful couple who, unfortunately, had been disowned by their parents. I spent my childhood in the hip-hop cosmopolitan city of Panaji, Goa. Both my mom and dad had to work just to keep food on the table. In spite of the financial constraint I was sent to the best of schools for my education because my mom felt that education is the key to success in life. So when we finally managed to buy a second-hand moped, there was unbelievable joy in our faces, it wasn’t so much the vehicle which brought us joy, it was the thought of coming up in life. Fortunately our financial constraint was soon to be over in my adolescent age, for my grandparents it seemed, had forgiven their son and had decided to take us in. So we became one big, happy family…
My grand dad owned a well established business and my dad took over from where my grand dad left. With money at my disposal, I must (shamefully) admit I became a spoilt rich brat. I could be seen at fashionable parties and hot-shot beaches wearing designer suits; my life was of rum, rumba and roulette. I developed a lager than life, racy, wild outlook towards life; you could say that I took life with a pinch of salt, a slice of lemon and a glass of tequila. Those days were real fun and soon, after scrapping through college, I landed a job as a disc-jockey in Bangalore and partied every night, that was until…


I received a call from my uncle from Goa, it was quite some time since I had spoken to him, it fact I had not spoken to my family for quite some time, nearly a year to be frank. Even though my mom sent letter after letter (e-mails were non-existent then) every week I seldom replied to them, I was “too busy”… but in reality cobwebs had set around me. My uncle called me to tell me that my mom had passed away ,she apparently had a heart attack…I was speechless, my world came crashing down…I was reminded of all those wonderful days I spent together with my mom, yet I wanted to say so much to her…


During the flight to Goa I was reminded of my mother’s unconditional love, her complete faith and trust in me…when I landed in Goa, there was no sign of my dad, only my uncle was there to receive me, his eyes bloodshot, his hair ruffled, his face wrinkled, his beard unshaven…this was not the uncle I knew…I burst of crying…my uncle didn’t say a word he took me home…and more horror awaited me..
The unthinkable had happened, my dad, it seemed was so distraught and depressed at seeing my mother’s lifeless body, couldn’t bear the pain and also passed away overnight in his sleep. There lay a man who was too determined to be defeated, too optimistic to be doubtful, too busy to be sad yet too much in love to see his love dead. My dad was my guiding light, my true source of inspiration a person who had weathered the storms with conviction but finally life it seemed had caught him unawares. My mom was kind, gentle, caring, loving, tender and all those lovely adjectives which can only befit a mom…my mom and dad were the best couple in the world, my dad a man of action and my mom a woman of conscience…their death left a hollow space in my heart which is still left hollow even after 90 years of my existence…

I looked back at my life and became depressed and miserable I din't speak for days..i was simply at loss for words. Seeing me in despair my uncle talked to me or rather enlightened me…he told me that this entire episode was part of life, he told me that I must get on with life. He quoted Lincoln’s famous words, “its not the years in your life that counts, it’s the life in your years!!” .So he asked me to pull up the anchor, set sail, catch the trade winds and soar high and above living free. He told me not to be bogged down by this series of unfortunate events…he told me “you have a life in front of you, go out there and enjoy it”. His words of wisdom compelled me to introspect…there I was, a changed man out to conquer life!!


Determined to succeed and with the fire of desire burning in me I quit my job and after three years, I finished my post graduation and became an qualified business analyst for a reputed company. With my job safe and secure, I set my eyes on my lady love Clara, who also worked in the same office. There are two kinds of people in this world, the ones who say “hi, here I am” and the others who say “ah, there you are”. and Clara was of the latter.

we got married and became well settled in life. I slowly climbed the social ladder and by the time Jim and Ross, my sons were born, I became a board member in the company. Everything seemed to be going great…years passed and my sons soon graduated from Harvard and settled in the US. Soon I became a grand dad and things were moving on nicely, until my wife after a prolonged illness passed away. So there I was all alone and my sons miles away, I understood how my dad would have felt when mom died. Life had taken a full circle. But then, I had burnt the bridges I crossed, I had no choice but to move forward.


I have been through everything life has thrown at me. I have done many things that I hope the Gods don’t see but I strive for success in every thing I do even if the Gods only see. But still I am learning life…

Life, as I know, is like playing a piano solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on…and even after all these years, I am still learning…